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what do u think of what i wrote?

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8 replies to this topic

#1
Snow White Queen

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plz tell me how does that sound to you? is it silly? childish? your opinions really matter to me :helpsmilie: ,and what do u think of the ending ? any suggestions?
thumbs up!



Field Of Innocence

Sometimes I think What if I were a cloud that hovers in the widening and roams softly in the air? When the wind whispers to me and my raindrops tell the story
then I'll head to countries where I've always wanted to be ,
But I am going to see what pleases me ?!Or I 'll have to witness a hellish world full of,war < blood and tears?
and How many times I will have to be dressed up in mournful black ??
And how many times i'll have to drop tears ??

nay .. I don't think I want to be a cloud ..

What if i were a rose?

How many people will fall in love with my beauty ?? am I going to be like Robert Burns' lovely rose that he spoke about that newly springs in June?
or I am gonna be The Rose that grows up, from the frozen ground up to the Heavens, from the snow crown Beautiful and bright, forever to glisten? And Hoping that an end to this evil has risen
But winter is evil, and has its tricks
comes back to freeze over, turning my leaves to sticks forever frozen from the icy chill and I will stay there half open and my colour does spill and no one will be impressed by my charm anymore
,aww to difficult to be a rose
What if i were a tree?
Oh how I would be affordable.. Fruitful ..

I will give the rich and the poor .without asking for a reward.

I'll be the majestic dignity ..
But hold on!!, what if the time betrays me & the wind decided to take away what I have .,,My branches, and leaves the bare Paperless not covered by the fruits borne ..
No being a tree doesn't make things any better
What if i were a bird?

I'll be free .. Yes, body and soul free

i'll fly high & I will sing the most beautiful songs ever .............

But what if someone decided to hunt me & kept me locked in a cage with a golden wire .
then I won't stand being a prisoner in one of them ..

I do not wish to be a bird ..

What if i were a house?

Oh how I'll rejoice since I shelter and open my bottom heart to ..

Mother and father .. Son and daughter .. provide them with comfort and tranquility ..
.
But what if the number has increased and grown-up?

What if they decided move to another place ..

To a bigger home ,and left me there forgotten .. Abandoned , left behind..

No voice, no laughter .. Only dust fills up my corners ..

nah I don,t want to spend my whole life alone..

What if i were the sun?

I would provide all living energy and heat ..

i'll keep the planets warm & bright ..

But no one can come near me or hold my hand ........&.&.&

cuz anyone who approaches me will be turned into ashes no i don't wanna hurt any one so i don't want to be the sun ,I want to be just Me

It is beautiful to create our dreamland ,your own shell that often becomes your refuge when we get lost in our real place ,to form our"perfect" world ,our own room where whatever we wish comes genuine.It is the only place that I enjoy being sober in,
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#2
abdel

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well i'll have to say that i liked it.
i don't know if the others will have any constructive critics to help you improve your skills.

great stuff really.
thumb up! ;)

O刀乇 イ₩O イけ尺乇乇 √ノ√ム し'ムしE乇尺ノ乇

#3
Snow White Queen

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thanx buddy,glad u liked it !! :D

#4
Fatony

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Good work Ice box.
You seem to have started well (first two paragraphs), structured, detailed and then it went downhill from there... you rushed to to finish it.
Write more about 'I just want to be just me' ... why?
There are people with experience and people with opinions. Listen to one, smile at the other.
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#5
Snow White Queen

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HELLOOOOO, any replies!!!

#6
Apocalypse

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I've made a reply before but for some reason it didn't show :wacko: , anyway, I haven't had the opportunity to read it as whole and perfectly well, so far I can say that you haven't respected the poetic form, as some of your verses are too long, just wait about ten days, as I finish my exams, and I'll be free to make a complete critical analysis. I'm not sure it can be a professional one, because I'm new into this and somehow striving to succeed into it, but your poem would be a perfect exercise for me :D (don't worry I'll be nice)


#7
Snow White Queen

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first off l Thank you merium,i really appreciate what you said,but actually it is not a poem :no2: ,they are merely thoughts that came to my mind and I thought that they are worth writing :book: ,i am still waiting for your critical analysis ,i 'd really like to hear it.,ok?
Best Of Luck in your exams :D

#8
Lilia

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that's a nice.. hmm.. thoughts put together (couldn't find a specific word :D) i like the ideas and what they invoke of meanings; that we should be content with what we are and try to make the best of what we have. 'cause no matter who we are; there's always challenges out there. No word on your style because it seems like a free style to me but, it needs more organization, like Fatony said, it started well then it was either too long or too short. other than that i think it was great. Thank you for sharing with us, inshallah there will be more coming smile
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#9
Penelope

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I really like it, Snow White Queen. I like this one so much:

It is beautiful to create our dreamland ,your own shell that often becomes your refuge when we get lost in our real place ,to form our"perfect" world ,our own room where whatever we wish comes genuine.It is the only place that I enjoy being sober in. It is truly wonderful.

Good job girl.