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Burried dreams

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#1
wad

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I'd love to know your first impressions about this story...

"The way they’re fixing their eyes towards me is not comforting at all!” Anis murmured while looking to three elderly on his right. They were nicely dressed and sitting to one table in one range. Their robotic behaviors, their eyes’ attachment on Anis, and the way they were folding their arms set him perturbed. With shaky hands, Anis was holding some papers in his hands and was heading to the blackboard. He almost fell down on the way which caused more tension in the room. He finally got there, and faced his audience. They were no less terrifying than the three well-organized men. In the midst of this scary gathering, a familiar sight caught Anis’ attention. Her eyes sent him a coded message which he was the only one to understand it: “I’m very proud of you”, said the “eyes”. What would a man want more when he saw dropping tear on a mother’s cheek. And when he knew it was proud tear which was thanks to him. His father was present as well, yet he looked much more like the three men on the right with his frowned face.

Anis, being a lonely child, is a young adult of 22 years old who comes from a humble background. His parents provided him with everything he needed, even if that means to sleep with empty stomachs. Anis never knew that as they could hide it so well – They trained themselves to always meet him with smiley faces in spite of the opposition of their bellies. He is now entitled to a great responsibility which is to drive his family out of misery. He is well aware of that, but is he really up to it?

Anis started explaining what his research all about was. The jury never hesitated to stop him at every point they felt he’s not sure about. Anis, on the other hand, passed all their tests perfectly. He even impressed them with his smooth way of explaining. It was something which made his mother prouder and caused more tears to fall down. His research was a success on several bases. It stoke down those who doubt his abilities and accused him of having myopic sights. Applause of absolute respect was loudly thrown all over the room. An overwhelming joy took over the small numbered family, as they were heading toward their humble car. They got in and drove off. Once in the high road, the father turned to the son, who was sitting in the back sit to congratulate for his outstanding performance. However, he didn’t realize that a reckless driver on his left was trying to light a cigarette. Amazingly, the two actions took place at the same moment and somehow, both men lost control of their wheels. A loud cry from the mother preceded the inevitable crash. That was the last she uttered and the last thing they heard. It was a deadly accident that took four lives and buried so many dreams that Anis carried them with him for the past 22 years…
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#2
writersfreedom

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:salaam:

I honestly did not think it would end this way , judging by the title I knew something was gonna go wrong but I thought it would have something to do with his research , sad story :( ... I think it sends a message to all the drivers out there to be careful and to ONLY focus on the road ahead, and not try to multi-task while driving (like using the phone or lighting a cigarette) , because it is not only their lives that they are risking!



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What can my enemies possibly do to me? My paradise is in my heart; wherever I go it goes with me, insepa­rable from me. For me, prison is a place of (religious) retreat; ex­ecution is my opportunity for martyrdom; and exile from my town is but a chance to travel ......

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#3
Penelope

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Neither me I thought that the story will have this doleful end. All Anis's hopes were shattered in a fraction of a second, and because of what, just a cigarette...

Good job, Wady
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#4
Beebo

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well written bro.. mashallah :clap:
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#5
Fatony

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"The way they're fixing their eyes towards me is not comforting at all!" Anis murmured while looking to the three elderly elders on his right. They were nicely dressed and sitting to one table in one range. Their robotic behavior (no s), their eyes' attachment on Anis (no comma) and the way they were folding their arms set him perturbed. With shaky hands, Anis was holding some papers in his shaky hands and was heading to the blackboard. He almost tripped and fell down on the way which caused more tension in the room. He finally got there (no comma) and faced his audience. They were no less terrifying than the three well-organized men. In the midst of this scary gathering, a familiar sight caught Anis' attention. Her eyes sent him a coded message which he was the only one to understand it: "I'm very proud of you", said the "eyes". What would a man want more when he saw dropping tears on a mother's cheek. He knew it was proud tears of pride which was thanks to him. His father was present as well, yet he looked much more like the three men on the right with his frowned face.

Anis, being a lonely an only child, is a young adult of 22 years old who comes from a humble background. His parents provided him with everything he needed, (keep the sentence in the past) even if it meant going for days without food. that means to sleep with empty stomachs. Anis never knew that as they could hide it so well – They trained themselves to always meet him with smiley faces in spite of the opposition of their bellies. He is now entitled to a great responsibility which is to drive his family out of misery. He is well aware of that, but is he really up to it?

Anis started explaining what his research was all about was. The jury never hesitated to stop him at every point they felt (they or he? I think you mean they) they are not sure about. Anis (no comma) on the other hand, passed all their tests perfectly. He even impressed them with his smooth way of explaining. It was something which made his mother even proud and caused more tears to fall run down. His research was a success on several bases. It stoke (you mean stroke) down those who doubted his abilities and accused him of having myopic sights. Applause of absolute respect was loudly thrown all over the room. An overwhelming joy took over the small numbered family, as they were heading toward their humble car. They got in and drove off. Once in the high road, the father turned to the son, who was sitting in the back sit seat to congratulate him for his outstanding performance. However, he didn't realize that a reckless driver on his left was trying to light a cigarette. Amazingly, the two actions took place at the same moment and somehow, both men lost control of their wheels. A loud cry from the mother preceded the inevitable crash. That was the last she uttered and the last thing they heard. It was a deadly accident that took four lives and buried so many dreams that Anis carried them with him for the past 22 years.


Wady, I've put some comments in (blue) and corrections in (red) which I believe would make the story flows better. I see from the way you are writing, you are thinking in Arabic and writing in English (translation). It is a problem that multilingual people have, including myself. For example you said: (even if it meant going to sleep with empty stomachs) - yrohou yeregdou ou kroch'houm fargheen. An Algerian would quickly understand this, but an English person might take him a few secs.

Also, you made the father to sound like a careless person even though he did everything to provide for his son. (you said: yet he looked much more like the three men on the right with his frowned face). But later on in the car he congratulates his son? I think Anis is lucky he didn't get beaten with a character like his father's.

Finally, your last paragraph about the car accident needs to be reworded because I feel it was rushed a little. You were quick to judge the driver to left (that he was reckless for lighting a cigarette) yet you don't accuse the father of being reckless too? (turning around to congratulate his son, assuming the father is the driver!!). You can add more drama to the accident and say something about the ambulance not arriving on time, Anis holding his certificate which was partially stained with blood. (you know, make the reader feel he is in the story)

Overall, good effort bro. oh my pizza is here.. Salamu alaikom ;)
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There are people with experience and people with opinions. Listen to one, smile at the other.
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#6
wad

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Hello,

writersfreedom,penelope and beebo thanks a lot for your comments - they are really encouraging. The fact is that I spent less than two hours writing this story, that's why it came out so full of mistakes :o But that's not a matter, right? :P
We do learn from our mistakes.

Fatony, I can't thank you enough for proofreading the story. What surprised me is that I am a bit aware of some of the mistakes I did. Well, you can say that I rushed a little again! I wanted the ending to be surprising and fatal exactly as it is in reality. It takes one less than a second to pass away, especially in these cases ( deadly high-road accidents). As for the father, it seems like there's a contradiction as you said. what I longed to convey with his frowned face is that he's the kinda man who somehow is emontionless on the surface (since he's a kind of man who doesn't feel at ease if he shows any signs of feelings) yet within his soul, he's thrilled to see his own son going through that situation perfectly (my bad! I thought the reader may deduce it by his/her own :huh: ) Judjing the driver is mistake! I give you that :rolleyes: I have nothing to add to what you already said :( The ill-use of the comma could be avoided since it's not necessary to put a comma after "and", I think . Finally, I'm desperately trying not to think in Arabic and translate the thought into English, but... :( I pomise to do my best next time nchallah. Again, thanks a lot for what you did - It really means a lot to me smile.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':)' /> I hope to read you soon

#7
Fatony

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Glad you can handle the constructive criticism. Not many Algerians can :D

#8
touta

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masha'Allah very smart and very good story, i used to write many stories like that but I don't know why I am not anymore.

here a little advice to help you with what fatony said about the contradictions and the unclear parts, when you write, always ask your slf question. For example when I say wady went to school. I ask myself why? when ? how ? and all the possible question that can go with it > that way you will never have unclear parts and the reader will understand every thing .

i really liked the story, and encourage you to keep it up masha'Allah. can't wait to read your next one . be creative

salams buddy
:lol: laughing is good but not all the time ;)

#9
wad

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Hello

I guess I can handle tough,constructive criticism ( I didn't know that I have this feature within me - you brought it up to the surface :D ) touta, your advice is deeply burried in my mind and I shall ever think of it whenever I hold the pen ( or better say set my fingures on the keyboard) to write something. Thanks a lot and read you soon

#10
angeleyes

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I liked the story so much W............but in all cases, I hate sad endings. And "hat off" for you W as someone said. ;) ( I like the expression "hat off" lol)